An exclusive interview with the top half of this photo.
Recent polls have billionaire businessman Donald Trump as the current leading Republican candidate for Election 2016. He will face off against nine other candidates on Aug. 6, in the first of several scheduled debates.
As part of our election coverage, we endeavor to give all relevant parties a voice. As such, we felt one key player had been overlooked in the ubiquitous media Trump coverage: Donald Trump’s Hair.
The following excerpts are from a recent interview with Donald Trump’s Hair (DTH).
Jess: Good morning, DTH. Thank you for agreeing to talk with us.
DTH: Good morning to you, Jess, and absolutely. I just felt I had to do it.
Jess: So let’s dive right in. The obvious question: Why did you decide to run? I mean, you’ve got all these other responsibilities. And it’s not as if plenty of coifs aren’t already in the race . . .
DTH: Look, let’s start there. I mean, what other coifs are you referring to? Marco Rubio’s dubious mane? Please. Please. I had that look back in ‘95. It’s like, who’s got the experience here?
Jess: Well, what about Jeb Bush’s hair? It definitely has plenty of experience.
DTH: You know what? It does. I’d say too much experience. The American people have had enough of politicians with that look. Have you seen that color? That’s what happens when you’re all talk and no action. You turn that disgusting, dull gray. And I tell you, Jess, the American people have had it with that do-nothing style.
Jess: So you’re better qualified to be presidential hair than Jeb Bush’s . . . what about Hillary Clinton?
DTH: She’s probably the worst hair in the history of the country. Openly admits it’s dyed. I mean, how can you trust that? It’s fake! Let me just do this, OK? I’m leading in all the polls. Doing great in primary states like New Hampshire and Iowa. You know why? People are tired of all these political hairstyles. They’re just sick and tired of it.
Jess: So you think they’re in the mood for a combover?
DTH: You call this a combover? Please. Enough with that. What are you? Vidal Sassoon? Forget it! This hair is special, that’s all I’ve got to say.
Jess: OK, maybe it’s a good idea to shift gears here. International crises from Russian aggression in Ukraine to the Middle East — what’s your game plan?
DTH: Number one: baldness. We just can’t have it in the 21st century. I got one thing to say to Putin’s greasy scalp: You’re fired. That’s it. Number two, the first time I set foot in Iraq, in Syria, wherever. This hair is gonna inspire people.
Jess: . . . How will it inspire people?
DTH: What do they have going on over there? The burkas, the turbans, the beards. It’s a disgrace. What are they hiding? We don’t know. They keep their hair under wraps. And I gotta say, I think it’s because they just don’t know any better. We have presidential hair right now that doesn’t say anything, that doesn’t call it what it is.
Jess: So your arrival —
DTH: Let me tell you one thing. This (points to self) is never going under wraps. Never.
Jess: OK. Let’s talk immigration. You’ve gotten a lot of heat over your insulting comments about Mexican hair.
DTH: I’m very proud of bringing that up. I know some Mexican hair, and it’s fantastic. Great luster, great shine. But we have laws, and a lot of these — look, they’re not all Mexican — but a lot of these cuts are bad dudes.
Jess: So you’re not going to apologize for your incendiary remarks?
DTH: I’m not. Apologize? No. No. You need to understand, with me, I’m not a politician. OK?
Jess: Um. OK. Any final words?
DTH: I will be the greatest presidential hair God ever created.
Jess: OK. Thanks again. Good luck.
